A Reason For Combat Pay
by Koko-chan1
Summary: The four members of the Reikai Tantei are turned into children. Van is forced to babysit. Light mentions of Kurama/Hiei and Kuwabara/Yukina. Sixth in the Harlequin series.


**A Reason For Combat Pay**

 **by**

 **The Blue Spanch and Koko-chan**

ooooo

 **A/N: This story is dedicated to any and all who have ever been roped into taking care of hyperactive and dangerously clever children. While very much comedy, I truly don't know if this story counts as crack. What I do know is that I need to abase myself in abject apology for Raizen. As stated in earlier stories, this was written over a decade ago, and we didn't know a single thing about Raizen other than his status as a villain and what he looked like. Everything else was headcanon picked up from the fandom. We had no idea what his actual story was, or what his relation was to any of the main cast. To avoid spoilers for anyone just getting into this series now, I will simply say that this story is very much a "Timeline? What Timeline?" thing.**

 **I suppose Spanch and I could have rewritten all of these to be more accurate, but we decided against it because posting these as they are shows us and any new writers how much can change over time, and how the skills of any given writer can evolve.**

ooooo

Raizen was in a poopy mood.

He had woken up badly on the wrong side of someone else's bed with an unbelievable headache and a tongue that tasted like the carpet in a public restroom. In New York. On New Year's day morning. The headache had died down somewhat after he had returned to his own home, but the mood had stuck. The problem with being in a foul mood is that it isn't any fun unless everyone around you is grumpy as well.

Raizen felt like hexing someone right out of their socks.

He considered cursing the entire rice crop from one end of Japan to the other, but no, that wouldn't be a good idea. Lord Enma would have his fanny on a silver platter for that. He went to the window and glared outside. How 'bout cursing that tree? No, not if he wanted cherries later on. Curse the Onis who were weeding the garden down there? Naah. They didn't deserve it. Who did deserve it? Yomi? Not if he didn't want to check for weird poisons all the time. Mukuro? Hells, no! She'd scrape off some of that Ionian were-moss that had been eating her castle and drop it on his walls.

One of the Oni gardeners brought down a hoe on a hidden rock with a noise that made Raizen's head throb anew. He winced, and then inspiration struck. There was another bunch of folks out there who really made his head hurt, and if he was careful, he wouldn't face stern retribution later. Heh heh. Raizen smiled grimly as he opened a gate to the Ningenkai. He knew just what to do. Everybody wondered sometimes about their formative years, so why not let them experience it again? And he would drop the whole thing on Genkai, given half a chance. He'd never really liked her anyway.

ooooo

"She'll be back in about fifteen minutes." Yukina said, coming into the back yard of the Temple garden. "Genkai needed to go get some more of her favorite tea."

Yuusuke, Kuwabara, Hiei, Kurama, and Shizaru paused in their wandering about. It was a beautiful day, and Genkai's garden was in enthusiastic bloom. "It's not like her to be late." Kurama said, a little worried.

"I guess it's her turn." Yuusuke shrugged. "None of us has been all that punctual lately, what with all this nothing that's going on. These weekly meetings have been getting kinda boring."

"Speak for yourself." Kuwabara said, feasting his eyes on Yukina.

Hiei growled and would have punched him in the gut, but a crash from inside the Temple startled him. A few seconds later, Puu and Norkie shot out of the open door with Hinageshi hot on their heels, waving a broom. "Come back here, you rotten little critters! I'll teach you to play 'Tag' in the kitchen!"

"Puuu!"

"Queeeep!"

It took some doing to get her to calm down. "Come on, Hinageshi, I'll help you clean up." Shizaru said, casting a withering glare at Puu and Norkie, who had climbed a nearby tree.

Kuwabara chuckled, once Shizaru was out of earshot. "Tag in the kitchen. Sounds like fun, actually..."

"It is." Yuusuke said with a slightly embarrassed smile. "I did it once, but Mom convinced me not to do it ever again."

"Convinced you?"

"Yeah. I still have the bruises, and that was eight years ago!"

Kuwabara laughed. "I used to sneak into Shizaru's things, until she caught me at it. Never again!"

Kurama smiled at his own childhood memories; he had been a real terror for some time before he had cooled off. And who knows what Hiei got up to when he was that age...

The sky darkened ominously just then, and a cold wind whipped petals off the daisies. The wards around the garden shorted out with fiery crackling noises and flashes of electric light. Startled, they looked up at the source of the shadow. A tall man with silver hair and an elaborate tattoo on the left cheek hung suspended in the air above the garden, smiling evilly, amber eyes glinting. "Raizen!" Hiei snapped, hand on sword hilt. "What are you doing here?"

"Just making your day a little more interesting." Raizen replied pleasantly. He then intoned a strange incantation that raised dust-devils and static lightning around them, causing some very unusual changes.

When he was finished, he surveyed his handiwork, and found it funny. "Hah! Let's see Genkai shrug _this_ one off!" Then he went home for lunch.

ooooo

Yuusuke, Kuwabara, Kurama and Hiei stood alone in the garden, not entirely sure of just what happened. Everything seemed bigger, somehow, and not nearly as complicated. For no reason, Hiei turned around and bopped Kuwabara in the snoot with one fist. "Ow!" Kuwabara yelped, falling over on his butt. "Waaaahhh! HE HIT MEEEE!"

Hiei giggled and danced around the weeping redhead, singing. "Kuwabara's a whiny-butt! Kuwabara's a whiny-butt! Nyah!"

Kuwabara's tears turned to anger in a split second, and he pounced on Hiei and started a scuffle. Yuusuke started laughing at the funny noises they were making, but Kurama had found something more interesting to do. He had just discovered that the pretty flowers grew fangs and claws and things, if he wanted them to. Yes! Daisy wars!

ooooo

Genkai took one look at the chaos in the garden and dropped her tea, along with her jaw. "When did this happen?" She demanded once she found her voice again.

"We don't know, Genkai-sama." Hinageshi said as something that had probably been a sunflower thundered past, chasing Yuusuke. "We just went in for a minute to clean up the kitchen, and when we came out again, they were all five years old!"

"Crap." Genkai muttered, rubbing her eyes. "It's going to take me a while to find out who did this, even with the divining spell I just learned."

"Rei Popgun!" A voice piped up from the garden, and the sunflower-thing exploded in a puff of compost.

"WAAAAH! My flower-monster! He exploded my sunflower!" Kurama whined. Then his eyes began to sparkle. "Do it again!"

"My turn next! Mine!" Kuwabara shouted.

Hiei merely snorted at such foolishness and sat down under a tree.

Genkai moaned softly, mourning her formerly pristine garden. "I don't suppose you girls would keep those little monsters off my back until I've found the jerk who did this?"

Another flower monster met a grisly death as both Yuusuke and Kuwabara attacked it at once, and then began to argue loudly over just whose turn it was.

"I don't think that we could handle them without help." Shizaru said. "Does anybody know someone who's qualified?"

"It'd have to be someone with a very good temper, a strong will, and lots of protective gear." Yukina said, watching the screaming hissy-fit occurring outside.

Genkai smiled grimly. "I know just the guy." She said, reaching for her interdimensional cell phone.

ooooo

Vanguard put down the sofa he was holding when his pager went off. "Hold on a moment, guys." He said to his companions, and picked up his ID cell phone. "Hello, yes?"

"Hi, Van." Genkai said. "We need your help at the Temple, and fast."

"Really? Is there a Hunter or something eating your tulips?"

"No, there's a small child growing my tulips."

"Come again?" Van said, genuinely puzzled.

"Get down here, Van, now." Genkai said, and hung up.

Van stared at his phone in confusion for a few seconds, and then put it away. "Sorry, guys, I have to leave. There's something funky going on in the Ningenkai."

"It's all right, Van." One of them said in a bass rumble that shook the dust off the rafters. "We were fixing to take a break anyway."

"Thanks, Sparge. See you in a bit."

ooooo

Van materialized in the main room of the Temple, as he usually did; it was quiet, out of sight, and roomy. Genkai was waiting for him, hands on hips. "Okay, I'm here." Van said, stepping carefully around the tea set in the middle of the floor. "What's the problem?"

 _Clang._ "Ow! My teef!" Came a small voice from the vicinity of Van's ankles.

"That." Genkai said.

Startled, the big robot looked down. Clinging like a limpet to his ankle was a tiny, black-clad, and fuzzy child, who was rubbing a sore mouth. Van's leg had acquired a set of teethmarks. Almost unable to believe his eye, Van bent over and gently removed a snarling Hiei from his foot. "Holy Honks of Horace." Van said, observing the angry child. "Are the other three like this, too?"

"'Fraid so." Genkai replied. "I need someone to help Yukina, Hinageshi, and Shizaru distract these little monsters long enough to let me find the perpetrator. Then, I'm going to make him regret the day that I was born."

Van gave a slightly metallic sigh and transferred Hiei to the crook of his arm and started rubbing the little Koorime's back. "I'm stuck with the job, then?"

"Yup." Genkai said to the background buzz of Hiei's happy purring. "You're it, Tin Man. Now, you go have fun with the kids while I seek and destroy."

With that, Genkai stepped through the door and shut it firmly. Van stared at the door, considering, just for a moment, reducing her garden statuary to gravel. "So," He finally said to the puff of black fuzz curled up in his elbow. "Will you and your little buddies be good boys for your Uncle Van?"

"Grrr!"

"Oh, dear."

ooooo

Hiei's squeaky little kitten growl was only a warning, and not a very good one, at that. Van walked down the steps into the back yard, put Hiei down, and took his first good look at the situation. The scenery left much to be desired. "Oh, damn." He muttered, putting his face in his hands.

Bad mistake. His reaction let Yuusuke get too close to him with a nifty gadget that he had found in the gardening shed. Van only realized the true meaning of his predicament when his foot fell off, or more appropriately, he fell off of one of his feet. With a yelp of surprise, he fell over heavily into the dirt. "Yuusuke," Van said when he spotted his assailant. "Just where did you find that socket wrench?"

Yuusuke just stood there and giggled. "Funny metal guy fall over, go thump!" He said.

Van lunged for the wrench and caught it, but had to spend a few minutes prying Yuusuke off of it. In the meantime, Hiei tried to steal Van's detached foot, just to keep in practice. "Oh, no, you don't!" Van snapped, grabbing Hiei before he spirited it away.

The only reason that Van was ever able to screw his foot back on at all was that Puu, against all better judgement, came down from the tree that he and Norkie were hiding in. All small children enjoy mauling stuffed toys, and darned if Puu didn't look like one. As one, all four of the toddlers attacked the waddling Phoenix chick, leaving Van to put himself back together. Puu was not happy about being tackled by toddlers! With a squawk, he made fast tracks straight back up the tree in a puff of blue feathers. Kurama tried using his plant-magic on some nearby ivy to snare the funny blue thing, but being a mere five-year old, he missed, hitting a small patch of strawberry plants with a blast of growing power that no fertilizer could hope to duplicate. The berries were nearly the same size as they were. Hiei was the first to act. He darted over, sank his fingers into a particularly nice one, and spat at his teammates. "MY strawberries!"

No way were they going to let him get away with that. By the time that Van had gotten upright again, all of them were covered in berry juice and growling at one another through mouthfuls of fruit. Van sat down on the steps, knowing full well that any attempt to stop this nonsense right now was futile. Once they had demolished all the berries that were even remotely ripe, they were a sight to cause heart attacks in anybody with a liking for cleanliness. All of them were stained red with juice and liberally smeared with berry pulp, strawberry seeds sticking to clothes and hair alike. Kurama, of course, took note of the seeds. After a few moments of thought, he unleashed some more of his magic, making every seed they carried sprout and bloom. "Pretty!" He said, happily.

"Kurama!" Kuwabara's voice came piping from behind a thicket of leaves and white flowers. "Stop it! I don't wanna be a bush! WAAAAAAAAA!"

Yuusuke and Hiei were quick to agree at the tops of their lungs. Van got up, ambled over and started defoliating them. Kurama did not approve. "Hey! My flowers! MY FLOWERS! Don't do that!" He shouted, grabbing Van's wrist as he pulled a mass of greenery out of Kuwabara's shirt.

"You hush." Van said, shaking the little redhead off. "Babies shouldn't be bushes."

Kurama promptly sat down, stuffed his thumb into his mouth, and began to sulk. Yuusuke blew him a raspberry, which did not improve Kurama's temper.

Yukina came out at that point, just in time to see Hiei give Kuwabara a wedgie. Growling, Kuwabara shoved Hiei into a nearby mud puddle. Soaked to the skin and covered with muck, Hiei's scarlet eyes brimmed with tears, and he then set up a howl that would have made any air raid siren green with envy. "Oh!" Yukina said, coming down the steps. "Poor baby!"

With marvellous foresight, she had come out carrying a towel, probably from drying dishes. Tenderly, she wrapped the mucky little firebaby in it and cuddled him. Hiei immediately started purring happily.

Kuwabara, however, was pissed. He didn't know why that waves of jealous rage stormed up inside him, but it was enough just to see his chief rival being cuddled while he wasn't... With a shriek of fury, he scampered over and grabbed Yukina's robe, getting strawberry juice and dirt all over them. "Is not your Yukina!" He howled. "Is MY Yukina! MINE!"

Hiei gave him a smug little look from on high and stuck out his tongue. "Nyah."

Kuwabara nearly tore Yukina's robe right off trying to climb up so he could bop that little black bat in the nose.

Van fielded the enraged toddler and carefully detached him before Yukina's seams gave way. There was a screech off to the right as Kurama tried to stuff Yuusuke into the mud puddle as well. "You wanted something, Yukina?" Van asked, rather weakly.

"Yes." Yukina said, adjusting her clothes. "Shizaru just went home. She said that she'd spent enough time baby-sitting Kuwabara when he was growing up, and no way was she going to take on three more little horrors as well."

There was a barely audible snicker from the towel-wrapped firebaby.

"I expected that." Van said. "Oh, well. Anything else?"

"Yes. Hinageshi is fixing them a snack."

The magic word. All four toddlers suddenly were listening very closely. "Really?" Van said. "What will we have to shovel into them?"

Yukina smiled and ruffled Hiei's hair. "One of her cousins in America sent her a box of lime Jell-o as a joke, so she's trying it out."

"Fine. I'll be right in to help you spread some newspapers on the floor. We may also want to tape some to the walls, as well."

Yukina blinked. "Why should we do that?"

"Have you ever seen a group of five-year-olds eating Jell-o?"

Yukina shook her head, mystified.

"The term 'event horizon' comes to mind, my dear. Go ye and fetch some extra newspapers and a mop."

ooooo

Hinageshi came out a few minutes later to announce that snacktime had begun, only to stop midword in shock. "I am not letting those four into the dining room until they've been washed!" She snapped as soon as she had stopped staring.

"Arrangements have been made." Van said, pulling both Kurama and Yuusuke out of the mud. "Yukina's spreading some newspapers around. Besides, with all this gunk smeared on them already, a layer of green goo won't matter much. After that, it's bathtime."

"Well, all right." Hinageshi said, bowing to Van's logic. "You get to help clean up, though."

"I know."

ooooo

Yukina had outdone herself with the newspapers, which not only had been layered thickly on floor and walls, but had been draped liberally all over the furniture as well. Four plates heaped with wiggly green stuff sat on the table. Hiei poked at his with a finger. It jiggled at him. Convinced that it was alive, he drew his katana- no more than a sharper-than-usual letter-opener right now, and sliced the stuff to ribbons. It still wiggled. "It won't die!" He complained, throwing a chunk of it at the wall.

Kuwabara, who would try anything once, giggled around a full mouth. "So eat it anyway."

"What's it like?" Hiei said suspiciously. He was hungry again, but unwilling to eat wiggly things.

"Tastes like candy." Yuusuke said, nibbling a square.

That was enough for Hiei. He snarfed down his plateful, and then made a grab for Kurama's. Kurama objected strenuously, squealing and smashing a handful of Jell-o into Hiei's hair. Hiei yelped, grabbed the plate, and tried to throw it, sending globs of Jell-o flying all around the table. This triggered a food fight of epic proportions that left green goo stuck to the walls, ceiling, windows, and onlookers. It took quite a while to die down. When it did, the room was smeared liberally with green, and the kids resembled something out of a bad science-fiction movie. "EEEyyeew! Slimy!" Yuusuke piped. "This is fun! More Jell-o, Uncle Van? Please?"

Van was already dripping with goo, and cute bambi eyes had never worked on him even at the best of times. "No, little Ferret, I think you have had quite enough. You all look like little green aliens! Little green aliens don't eat Jell-o."

All four of them managed to scowl at him in unison. "Wow!" Van said, clapping his hands sarcastically. "I didn't know they taught classes in synchronized pouting. Either way, it's bathtime for you lot."

"AAAAAAHHHH! NO BATH! _NO BATH!_ "

Van managed to grab Kurama and Kuwabara as they darted for cover, and Hinageshi and Yukina fielded Hiei and Yuusuke before they made it out the door. It took a herculean effort to get them into the bathroom, because the Jell-o made the kids all slippery. This was just as well; none of the kids were able to get a good grip on the doorknob once Yukina had pulled the door closed. Hinageshi filled the tub while Van and Yukina peeled the howling sprats out of their ruined clothing. "I don't think I'll be able to get the stains out of these." Yukina said mournfully, holding up Kurama's begrimed tunic.

"Don't bother with washing, Yukina." Van replied, as Yuusuke's shirt came off with a damp sucking noise. "These are going straight to compost."

"Compost?"

"They're too soggy to burn."

"Yuk!"

"My sentiments exactly."

As soon as they had been divested of clothing, the toddlers were all pitched into the foaming bubble bath. Hiei had to be pitched in several times, due to his natural aversion to water and a small child's dislike of soap. The rubber ducky did serve to calm him down some. _Squeek squeek squeek squeek!_

"Hiei, it's rubber, not real." Van said, vigorously applying a scrub brush to Kuwabara. "Stop chewing on it."

"Grrr! Hsss!" _Squeeek!_

Unable to get the rather battered ducky out of Hiei's mouth, Hinageshi settled for soaping him all over. "This green dye won't come off!"

"Try the brown soap. It's stronger." Yukina suggested, scraping dried strawberry pulp out of a squalling Yuusuke's hair.

"Where's Kurama?" Van asked, resoaping his brush.

Kurama reappeared a few seconds later from under the suds, splashing vigorously. "Aack!" Van said. There was soap in his ocular.

Hinageshi grabbed Kurama by the elbow and started applying her scrubber. "Gotcha now, kid!"

Hiei, still chewing on the ducky, took the opportunity to shove Kuwabara under the water.

"Blrbl!"

 _"Squeek!"_

"Kurama," Hinageshi said as Van pulled a rather waterlogged Kuwabara out from under Hiei. "How did you get Jell-o _behind_ your ears?"

"I- stop it!- I was saving it for later."

"Yuusuke, stop that. Hiei is not an ice-cream sundae." Yukina wasn't kidding; Yuusuke had piled a huge mound of suds on top of Hiei's head. All the firebaby needed to complete the picture was a cherry on top.

Hiei growled, took the ducky out of his mouth, and threw it with great accuracy at Yuusuke's forehead. _Squeek!_

Yuusuke took grave exception to this. "Rei Popgun!"

"Not in the bath!" Van shouted. " _Not in the-!_ "

 _FRATZ!_

Sudden, stunned silence. Everybody who had hair looked like a dandelion. Van twitched slightly, crackles of tiny lightning rippling over his carapace. "Ooo." He said, a little vaguely. "Static cling!"

For days afterward, the smell of scorched soap haunted the bathroom.

Seeing as how the kids were as clean as they were going to get, they were lifted out of the tub. "Drat. Did we forget to get any clean towels?" Hinageshi said, peering into the towel closet.

"I'm afraid so." Yukina replied. "There's some more in the linen closet. I'll just go and- Aieee!"

Yukina had put a foot down right on a bar of soap, which sent her skidding straight out of the room and down the hall. "Yukina!" Hinageshi cried, following her out the door. Van came after them, committing one of the greatest mistakes possible around small children. He left them unattended.

Yuusuke, Kurama, Kuwabara, and Hiei suddenly found themselves alone, in a room full of neat stuff. They lost no time in exploring their surroundings. "What's this thing?" Hiei said, picking up a hair curler.

"Ooo! Colors!" Kuwabara and Yuusuke had found Hinageshi's makeup kit.

It was just then that Norkie and Puu peered around the corner of the doorway, unwittingly sealing their fate. They had come down out of their tree when everything had gone quiet, and they were checking to see if it was safe. It wasn't. The fearsome foursome took one look at the ball of fur and the blue penguinoid and grinned evilly. Norkie and Puu did try to get away, but it was not to be. Kuwabara and Yuusuke dragged them inside the bathroom and shut the door firmly.

It was a very bad day for the small strange furry things. Puu, with his broad, flat build, was appropriated by Kuwabara and Yuusuke and used as a coloring book. Puu was the first Pheonix ever to receive a makeover.

Norkie had it worse. Kurama held him down while Hiei experimented with the hair curler. Norkie was the first of his species to get a perm.

To make matters worse, Yuusuke and Kuwabara started fencing with the lipstick, and Hiei, responding to a dim feeling of revenge, started cuddling Norkie, running his fingers through the curly fur and purring. "Queep!" Norkie cried, desperately calling for help. "Queep!"

Kurama was having some funny notions, too. He picked up the iron and curled his own hair. When he was done, he batted long eyelashes at Hiei. "Queep?" He said.

Hiei gave him a funny look, and then a thoughtful one. He then shrugged, and wrapped an arm around Kurama, cuddling him, too. Kuwabara and Yuusuke were too busy writing their names on Puu to notice.

Van returned a few minutes later with an armload of dry towels; Hinageshi was outside putting band-aids on Yukina's skinned knee. "Oh, fer crying out loud." He muttered when he took in the scene. "Hinageshi, your makeup kit has been vandalized, and so has the bird!"

Kurama and Hiei didn't mind being wrapped up, but Norkie beat a fast retreat as soon as Hiei's grip loosened. Little feet spinning, he took off like a rocket, with Puu close behind him. Kuwabara and Yuusuke had found a much more interesting drawing board to work on. "Hey!" Van yelped when he noticed what they were doing. "Stop drawing on my back!"

It took some doing, but he managed to divest them of the lipsticks and dry them off. "Naptime for bonzoids." Van said, picking them all up.

"NO!" Snapped Kurama, through a yawn that nearly took the top of his head off. "Don' wanna nap!"

"Me neither." Yuusuke said, with a yawn that was just as impressive.

"Fizz." Hissed Hiei, but only halfheartedly.

Yukina limped into the room and took Yuusuke and Kuwabara out of Van's arm. "Looks like they're ready for a nap." She said, cuddling them close.

Yuusuke looked a little put out at this, but Kuwabara smiled dreamily and fell asleep.

They laid the kids down on the futon in the guest room, where they went to sleep quickly under the influence of the soft lullaby that Yukina sang for them. Once all four were snoozing peacefully, Yukina and Van crept quietly out, shutting the door behind them. Hinageshi came back up the hall, carrying a mop. "Are the children asleep yet?" She asked. "Remember, you have to hel-mmrrph!"

Van had closed a hand around her mouth. "Shhhh! If you wake 'em, you walk 'em, girl!" He whispered urgently.

"Sorry." She whispered back. "But you did promise to help with the cleanup."

"I know. I'll get the ceiling and windows. The bathroom's already cleaner than it was before, but I am very sorry about your makeup kit."

"I'll get mad at you later. For right now, let's just get this mess cleared away!"

ooooo

It took them half an hour to get the stains out. By the time that they had finished, Genkai strode out of the room where she had been working. Before she could say anything, though, Norkie and Puu trotted by. Puu looked very much like a clown on a bad makeup day, and he didn't even glance at the priestess as he made a beeline for the kitchen sink. Norkie, curls bouncing, climbed up Genkai's pant leg and raided her pocket. Pulling out the hip flask he found in there, he drained it dry, and fixed Genkai's startled look with his own faintly bloodshot one. "Queep. Fizz queep quip yah. Thbbbptt!" He declared, and followed Puu into the kitchen.

"What was that all about?" Genkai said, retrieving her empty flask.

"He says that he wants you to fetch back the guy who turned the Spirit Detectives into sprats so that he can de-ball him, too." Van translated. "Was your hunt successful?"

"Yup." Genkai replied. "This whole mess is Raizen's fault. What say we humor the little fuzzball and bring him back here?"

Van cracked his knuckles ominously. "I say, let's do it. The boys are down for a nap, and they should be up by he time we get back. How 'bout we feed him to them?"

"Sounds good. Let's go." Then Genkai noticed something. "Oh, Van, your back...?"

"I know. I look like a couple of taggers jumped me. I'll wash it off later."

ooooo

Raizen sat in his imported deckchair, sipping an equally imported diet coke and enjoying the sun. He was feeling good. The headache was long gone, he'd made an old opponent's day an absolute misery, and the weather was being nice, for once. The problem with being evil was that it messed up the local weather patterns something fierce. That perpetual lightning storm up by Youmo still hadn't gone away, even though the ones who had attracted it were dead.

Raizen sighed, stretched languorously, and closed his eyes, not even noticing the surge of ki that heralded a visitor. Thus, he was totally unprepared when he was hauled bodily out of his deck chair by an evil-minded old lady and a large robot. "Hey!" He protested as he was frogmarched back inside. "What is the meaning of this?! Guards! Guards! Ooops."

They had just walked by a heap of badly battered Oni guardsmen. "Already met them." Genkai said. "Buncha wimps."

"What are you doing here, woman?" Raizen demanded. "What have I done to you lately?"

"Don't make me read off the list, we'll be here forever if I have to do that." Genkai said, stepping in front of him and giving him a glare. "Your latest naughty deed was to relieve four friends of mine of ten years of their lives."

"I never did!" Raizen replied, trying to get out of Van's iron grip.

"You lie." Van said coldly. "My mother built a lie detector into my central processor for these occasions. You have just set off all my garbage alarms, boyo."

"We're taking you back to the temple, where you will reverse the spell you cast on them." Genkai continued. "Then you will apologize profusely to all of us."

"Make me." Raizen growled.

"Okay." Van said pleasantly. "Norkie is _very_ upset, you know, and I bet the kids would appreciate a new toy."

Genkai grinned evilly. "So who gets him first?"

"Rock, scissors, paper?" Van suggested.

"Flip a coin."

Raizen was looking rather green when his captors opened the gate back to the Ningenkai.

ooooo

The kids had woken up by the time Van and Genkai returned, and had been dressed in some trimmed-down temple robes that Yukina and Hinageshi had made for them. Currently, they were playing with a bucket of small toys. Kuwabara was the first to look up at the new arrivals, and he didn't like all he saw. "AAAAHHH! It's the bad man!"

The other three took notice of that, and started howling the same thing. Norkie and Puu, who were watching from the safety of a high shelf, grinned at each other. This should be good.

Raizen smiled unpleasantly. "Cute little monsters, aren't they? Are you sure you want me to change them back? Think what fun you could have for another ten years!"

Van and Genkai exchanged a look, and then Van prudently stepped out of the way. "Well?" Raizen said. "How 'bout it?"

Genkai landed a punch on his face that laid him flat on the floor in the middle of the toddlers. This time, Hiei was first to act by sinking his teeth into Raizen's exposed throat, and the others weren't far behind him. "Now Hiei, that's just not right." Genkai sad sternly to the growling firebaby. "You've got the wrong side. The jugular vein is over here."

Hiei changed position without protest.

Yuusuke climbed up onto Raizen's chest and looked him straight in the eye. "Naughty man!" Yuusuke said seriously, stomping on Raizen's breastbone. Then he bounced the toy truck that he had been holding in one fist off of Raizen's forehead.

Kuwabara manifested a very small Rei Sword. "I, the Great Kuwabara Kuzuma, will punish the bad man!" He piped, and then jabbed Raizen in the butt.

"Yoww!"

Kurama had scampered outside when this had started, but now he was back, holding a sprig of leaves. "Poison ivy." Van noted calmly, as Kurama grew the vine up Raizen's pant legs. "You actually let that stuff grow around here?"

Genkai shrugged. "Keeps trespassers out. No, no, Yuusuke. Stop that. You jump up and down right _there_ , not on his ribs."

"Okay, Genkai!"

"Aaargh!"

"Hey, Norkie, you want a turn?" Genkai called to the furball on the shelf.

"Queep." Norkie called back, over the noise. "Queep quip, queep."

"He says nope, the kids are doing fine without him." Van translated. "Just one thing, though. If Raizen's a sorcerer, how come he hasn't zapped anyone yet?"

"Special wards." Genkai replied with a smug smile. "No evil sorcery allowed in the house at all. I set them up after I finished with the divining spell, just in case, and that's what took me so long."

"Ah. Should have figured. Hey, Raizen, you sorry yet?"

"Yes!" The beleaguered sorcerer wailed. "For Gods' sakes, call these little demons off!"

"He's not sorry enough." Genkai scoffed. "Give him another fifteen minutes or so."

"Rei Popgun!"

 _ZAP!_

"Aaaargh!"

"Genkai," Van said. "You are an evil person."

"I am not." She retorted. "I am merely thorough. Now, if I was truly evil, I'd tell Kurama to go fetch a twig off of the thorny blackberry outside."

"There he goes." Van said, watching the Kitsune pup run into the garden again. "Sharp ears on these babies, hey?"

"Oh, yes." Genkai then gave vent to a most sinister cackle.

oooo

After fifteen minutes, Raizen was a sorry sight. Singed all over, sore, full of thorns and poison-ivy rash, and much of his hair was gone as well. Yuusuke had found some sharp scissors and had made good use of them. Hiei was still gnawing determinedly on Raizen's neck and growling ferociously. "Now are you feeling apologetic?" Genkai asked.

"(Whimper!)" Was the best that Raizen could manage.

"Good. "All right, kids, that's enough. He's been a very naughty man, but now he's sorry."

"Aw, nuts." Kurama muttered. "We were having fun!"

"Grrr." Hiei said.

"I don't care. Gerroffa." Genkai said in The Tone That Would Be Obeyed.

Three of them reluctantly got off, but Hiei hung on like a bulldog, refusing to let go until Van tickled him. Van was able to pull him away, squealing and giggling and growling all at once. "What a range of noises you make, kid." Van said, clutching the peeved child in both hands.

Hiei blew him a raspberry.

ooooo

After he gave Genkai, Van, Yukina, and Hinageshi a genuine hands-and-knees-on-the-floor apology, he was allowed to return the four spirit detectives to normal. He intoned a short incantation, and they were treated to a rare sight: Watching ten years of personal time suddenly go by at a rapid rate. In less than a minute, everybody was the correct age again, and all of them had radically outgrown their garments. "Whoa!" Hinageshi said, and blushing furiously, she and Yukina got them some full-sized robes.

Puu and Norkie nearly fell off the shelf laughing.

Hiei made a face. "Bleh. My mouth tastes weird. What happened?"

"Raizen here will be a little anemic for a while, but at least you had a good time." Van told him, indicating the teethmarks on Raizen's neck.

"Cripes, that's Raizen?" Yuusuke said, staring. "He's a mess! What happened?"

"You did."

All four of them stood stock still as the memories of what had occurred that afternoon came back to them. They looked at Kurama. His hair was still curly.

"Oh, dear." Kurama muttered, pulling at a curl.

Hiei had to turn away to hide his smile.

"I'll never be able to look a strawberry in the face again." Moaned Yuusuke.

Yukina giggled. "You were all cute, though."

"Really?" Kuwabara said, voice going funny.

Hiei elbowed him in the ribs. "Where are our real clothes?" He demanded.

"Ruined, I'm afraid." Hinageshi said sadly. "The Jell-o was the last straw."

Yuusuke groaned. He remembered the Jell-o. "Fine. Genkai, can we call off this week's meeting? I think we all need to go home and be embarrassed for a while."

Genkai smiled. "All right." She said generously. "But don't be late for the next one, you hear me?"

"Yes, ma'am." They chorused.

A peal of laughter from the ceiling startled them. There was an unpleasantly familiar figure perched up there, holding a camcorder. "Oh, this is great! Just great!" The Harlequin said between chortles.

"Harlequin! You miserable mutant mime!" Yuusuke shouted. "What are you doing up there?!"

"Smile! You're on video!" 'Quin replied. "The whole afternoon on tape, in all the gory detail! Would you guys like a copy? I know that everybody on the Ladies' Knitting and Terrorist Society wants one."

Snarling, Hiei found his sword and leaped up the wall, intent on removing the laughing god's head. Whooping with mirth, Harlequin slipped out of a nearby window and sailed away over the city, with Hiei running after him.

"Go get him, shorty!" Kuwabara shouted after them. "Jeez, that clown is such a jerk sometimes!"

"That's his job." Van said, slinging a terminally mortified Raizen over one shoulder. "I'm going to take this yahoo home. See you later."

"Bye, Van." Yuusuke said. "By the way, I'm sorry about the graffiti."

"You'd better be. Bye."

ooooo

A few days later, everybody got a copy of the tape, much to their embarrassment. Raizen got a little something extra attached; Van had sent him a note.

"Dear Raizen,

"Don't complain after you read this message, since you brought it on yourself, you spud. When you turned the Spirit Detectives into little kids, I was dragooned, shanghaied even, into baby-sitting them. If you will watch the tape that 'Quin sent you, you will see why I am so annoyed about this. I believe that you owe me something more than an apology, as it took me several hours of maintenance work to get all the dents, soap, and Jell-o out of my various working parts. Not to mention the graffiti on my back. Thus, I am demanding combat pay. Please read the enclosed bill.

Vanguard."

Raizen paid the bill, of course. After half an hour of being mauled by those kids, he could really feel for the big steel guy.


End file.
